Posts Tagged ‘arms and legs’

Care
Boundaries
Birth is an immense change for the baby. Her whole physiology changes fundamentally and she experiences a completely new environment. The boundaries of the womb are left behind and she enters a ‘boundless’ world. In the womb, the child was able to grow harmoniously, protected from the world.
This reveals that everything that is developing requires a protective environment. With a newborn baby, and actually throughout childhood, this protective environment is constantly provided to establish firm foundations for later life. Unconsciously, the child is constantly reminded of the situation in the womb, which is related to an experience of security, safety, protection and fundamental confidence.
Warmth
The womb not only protects the embryo from the world; it also surrounds it with an even temperature of 37°C (98.6°F). A ‘warm environment’ is provided in the best possible way.
After birth, a child has to learn to maintain her own body temperature at a constant level, at first with the help of adults. She must interrelate the warm and cold parts of the body. This is achieved by means of a sensitive metabolic process which generates heat.
Normal growth and the development of the normal physical processes are also dependent on this metabolism. All the heat which the baby does not have to produce herself in order to maintain her temperature at the right level will benefit growth.
It takes the child a long time to regulate her own temperature; the normal difference of PC (2°F). between the body temperature during the night and the day is achieved by most children between their fifth and ninth months. Up to that time they are extremely dependent on the extra warmth provided in the form of good physical care, clothes, and hot water bottles used to warm the cradle before they are placed in it.
The ability to distinguish whether something is hot or cold is learnt during the initial period. The better this ability has been developed by providing sufficient warmth in childhood, the better the child can use it at a later age.
Cold feet are an important sign that extra attention should be devoted to regulating the child’s temperature. A baby should have warm feet, warm legs, a warm body and warm arms.
Special attention to warmth also has another significance. A warm environment helps the child to ‘warm up’ for life on earth. However, our motto is not ‘the warmer, the better,’ because always being dressed in too many clothes or being covered up can actually make a child either drowsy or very restless, and overheating can be very dangerous. Detailed research has revealed that there is a relationship between overheating and cot death. Duvets and synthetic materials can especially cause overheating. Therefore we certainly advise against using these.
In our view, the important thing is to learn to observe the needs of the child with regard to warmth, and to read the signs when more or less warmth needs to be provided in the form of clothes, bedding or ambient heating. The body temperature of the child is the most important thermometer, and in a healthy baby, this fluctuates around 37°C (98.6°F). You can learn to take the baby’s temperature with your hands so that you can literally feel how the child is regulating its own temperature. In the first week or two after birth, take the baby’s temperature every day, as well as feeling how warm she is. Then start testing yourself: feel how warm the baby is, then predict her temperature and check with the thermometer for a few days. If your predictions are correct, you will only have to take the baby’s temperature when you are doubtful or if she is sick.
Impressions
Everything we do, feel and think around the child is assimilated by the child. She is still completely open and has a boundless trust in the environment. The buffer which
we have between ourselves and the world as adults is formed by recognising and understanding that world. A small child is not yet able to do this. Up to about the third year, the child identifies with the environment in which she is living in a very natural way. This is followed by a stage in which thinking gradually assumes set patterns, and the child leans to distinguish herself from the outside world. For the first time, she makes a distinction between her own individuality and the world which is perceived. In this light it is understandable that first memories only go back to the third year, and there are no, or very few, memories before this.
The child is one big sensory organ. Up to the third year, all impressions are assimilated in an uninhibited way and disappear into the subconscious. There they are combined with other physical processes, and a sort of print is made; it is as though the child models the influences of the environment in its own `clay.’ Therefore, it is important that we are aware of what ‘goes into’ the child — also for later on.
Example. A child in a boat on the water, experiences the swell, feels the sunlight on her skin and the wind in her hair, smells the odour of water and fish, is taking in healthy impressions which build up the whole organism. The situation is quite different for a child at a department store who is placed in a rotating ship, which goes round and round when a coin is placed in the machine. The child will enjoy both these experiences, but they affect the organism in significantly different ways. The ‘boat on the water’ situation sounds idyllic; this is usually a vacation experience. However, there are also impressions closer to home, which can be constructive and have the above-mentioned character
Positive, constructive impressions are those impressions in which the natural origin of materials, sounds etc, can be perceived by the child. For hearing, these are the sounds of people and animals, and natural sounds such as the rustling of the wind. For sight, they are natural colours. For the sense of touch, they are materials such as wool, cotton, silk, wood, sand and water.
Many domestic appliances such as vacuum cleaners, washing machines, radio, television and plastic toys were created as a result of human technical ingenuity. For children, these are actually an abstraction, lacking in natural connection.
Radio, television and plastic toys are things you can consciously choose to have or not to have in a small child’s immediate environment. With household appliances, you can take care to minimize the sound in the baby’s immediate environment. So-called ‘white noise’
from household appliances is not a good idea for the young child as it blocks out normal impressions. Autistic children can also become obsessed by white noise. Playing a lyre, humming or singing are better background sounds for the child.
Simple actions such as washing hands, or sweeping up with a dustpan and brush in the child’s presence show how things are done. These actions are enjoyable and you can invite children to imitate them.
The feelings of people around the child also have an effect. It is obvious that a child will thrive best in a genuine atmosphere of joy and warmth. This has a positive effect. But there is not a parent in the world that is always cheerful and relaxed at every moment of the day (and night). It is worth aiming to achieve these qualities, but at times when you do not succeed, you must take them for what they are — also real human emotions. In every family there are days when everything goes pear-shaped and the ideal image of a happy family seems a long way off. Humour is always a good remedy. It can be a relief if you can laugh about yourself and the situation.
The needs which were mentioned above — that is, the need for boundaries, warmth and positive impressions — make great demands on the environment. It means that parents must have clear insight and a good level of empathy to get things right: too cold or too warm, too many im-pressions or too quiet, well-protected or not enough room to breathe?
From this point of view, we would like to discuss a number of practical aspects of childcare.
Clothes
Clothes are like a second skin, which support the functions of the skin. The skin helps to regulate body temperature and protects us from infections. In addition, the skin is a sensory organ with which we perceive the environment. These three functions are most effectively supported with clothes made of wool, silk, cotton or hemp. These fibres are preferable as they provide sense impressions from a natural source via the skin, which help the child to build up its body. Other fibres are more alien, and even viscose, which is made from cotton or wood, is processed quite strongly, in a way which is now known to be quite polluting.
Wool
Sheep’s wool protects the sheep from heat and cold, rain and toxic waste. The curls trap the warm air around the sheep’s skin. The wool keeps out the rain, and waste products are absorbed and emitted through the wool via perspiration.
All these qualities are found in woollen clothes. The warmth of the wool protects the child from cooling down too quickly and supports her unstable heat regulation system which cannot yet retain body heat.
Its absorbent capacity (30 to 40%) ensures that the child remains comfortably dry. The quality of the wool depends on the age of the sheep, the animal’s diet and health, as well as the way in which the wool was turned into clothing.
Finely knitted woollen vests are available, which forma soft, flexible outer skin. Woollen jumpers and cardigans should be loose fitting so that they are easy to put on and take off. Woollen pants are wonderful to use over cotton nappies. They can be knitted easily, preferably from slightly greasy sheep’s wool, and are ideal for absorbing moisture and neutralizing the waste products in urine.
A woollen shawl will keep the baby warm when there are fluctuations in temperature. Woollen socks will also keep the feet nice and warm. Furthermore, wool does not attract dirt, and therefore woollen clothes do not have to washed as often as cotton clothes, though they do have to be aired regularly.
Silk
The silkworm spins its cocoon of silk thread, in which the worm is sealed off from any negative external influences. The silk is made under the influence of sunlight — at sunset, the silkworm stops spinning, and at sunrise, it starts work again.
If you use silk in clothes, you will feel its enclosing qualities. Furthermore, silk can absorb 30% of its weight in moisture without feeling damp. In addition, silk retains heat when it is cold and releases heat when it is warm. That is why silk is worn especially in summer. Silk and, in particular, knitted silk is an excellent basic material for vests, but it is advisable to put a woollen vest over the silk vest as well.
Children who are sensitive to wool against the skin, and children who are very sensitive to impressions and consequently become restless, will benefit from wearing a silk vest.
Cotton
Cotton is widely used nowadays for children’s clothes, especially as this material can be washed so easily in the washing machine. At the same time, it should be said that it actually has to be washed often because it attracts dirt easily. Cotton can absorb 20% of its own weight in moisture.
As cotton cannot absorb heat, this passes easily through the material to the outside air. Consequently, this material is not the best choice for a child’s underclothes throughout the year. Furthermore, the way in which cotton is grown is not particularly environmentally friendly, and chemical products are often used in the treatment of the material. Fortunately, there are several eco-cotton projects which now promote its environmentally-friendly cultivation and processing, and eco-cotton is becoming increasingly available in shops and over the internet.
We suggest dressing the baby in at least two layers of clothing, covering the whole body, including the arms, legs and feet. This produces a layer of air between the two layers which retains heat. In a temperate climate, a long-sleeved woollen vest — or a vest of wool and silk — can be worn for most of the year.
In practice, we regularly find that babies are not dressed warmly enough, and they are often restless and troubled by stomach cramps, or they are constantly crying. The simple remedy of dressing the child more warmly, in better fitting clothes, will do wonders for this.
Bonnets
Unfortunately, bonnets are no longer in fashion. In comparison with the rest of their bodies, little babies often have an enormous — and sometimes rather bald — head. The head is constantly losing heat, which should really be retained for the development of the brain and organs. On the one hand, a silk bonnet will retain the baby’s heat, and oil the other hand, it protects the head and the open fontanel from a restless environment. It is important for the forehead to be free, because this part of the body acts as a sort of thermostat for regulating body heat. Where it is often windy, it may also be necessary for the baby to wear a second bonnet made of wool. There are wonderful bonnets on sale, or they can be knitted in material which is so soft that it is like a second skin.

Bonnets can be removed when the child is in the cot as long as the baby is well protected.
Wraps and swaddling
Because of the need for boundaries, it is understandable why many babies, as well as older children, calm down and fall asleep easily when they are firmly tucked in, or if they are wrapped up or swaddled.
Usually, babies have a flannel sheet wrapped around them, during the postnatal period, but this often disappears, to be replaced by a babygro/sleepsuit. We recommend continning to use a swaddling cloth and wrapping it firmly around the babygro/sleepsuit before putting the baby to bed (see illustration). As the baby still lies with its arms and legs bent, it should be swaddled in this position, to increase the sense of security. The baby can now relax and will fall asleep warm and snug. However, you must make sure that the baby is not wrapped up too warmly (see p.25).
The woollen wrap can serve as a blanket outside the cot for when the baby is fed. When the woollen cloth is no longer sufficient, use a (woollen) baby sleeping bag for in bed.

Children who remain restless and have difficulty falling asleep despite being wrapped up, as well as babies who do not establish a good rhythm of drinking/sleeping, may benefit from the old-fashioned method of swaddling in which the arms are also wrapped up so that the child cannot flail about. Flailing is often a response to crying, cramps or fright, but because it is involuntary, it can cause new restlessness. Swaddling can help to break this vicious circle.
Many parents find it difficult to restrict their baby in this way; in our age of boundless freedom, it is not so easily accepted. However, parents usually overcome their resistance when they see how the baby responds to swaddling. For most babies, it results in a much greater sense of peace, and consequently they sleep well and establish a pattern of sleeping and feeding every few hours. Nowadays, two methods of swaddling are recommended: either ready-made swaddling blankets or swaddling wraps, or using the method shown at the back of this book (see p.108). (See also Blom, Crying and Restlessness in Babies.)
The cradle
The cradle is an important successor of the smallest home in which the baby lived before birth. You can opt for a basket cradle (Moses basket), a wooden (rocking) cradle or
a cot. For safety considerations, the baby’s feet should always be placed at the end of a cot, with its head halfway down. Tuck in the blanket in such a way that the head is free and the shoulders are covered. A hood or canopy over the cradle or cot makes the space more intimate, so that the child is not distracted by the environment and can sleep more peacefully.
For the canopy, it is best to use plain materials in soft colours. A canopy made of light blue silk combined with a layer of pink silk gives a very subtle calming colour.
The mattress must be absolutely flat, providing good support, and it must be well-ventilated and warm. Our preference is for a mattress of kapok, cotton or another natural material. A sheep’s fleece can be placed on the mattress. The fleece is soft and gives a beneficial warmth so that the newborn baby is protected from cooling down too quickly. Make sure that the fleece is not too large and lies on the mattress without any folds. Cover the fleece with a sheet. The bedding should be made of cotton and wool. Do not use synthetic materials. The sheets and blankets should be big enough to tuck the baby in quite firmly. The fleece and the mattress should be regularly aired. If you use a woollen wrap there are likely to be patches of damp under the mattress. If necessary, use a waterproof sheet. There are cotton sheets available that are impregnated with rubber and do not feel clammy. We do not recommend the use of duvets, even those made of wool, because of the risk of suffocation.
If the cradle is next to the window, watch out for overheating in the sun. A baby can easily become too hot in a heated room when the sun shines through the window.
The playpen
Up to the age of four months, it is not really necessary to have a playpen. Nevertheless, when the baby is downstairs, it is a good idea to have a safe place to place it. A wicker basket with a soft cover, or the bed of a pram, are quite suitable.
We do not recommend the frequent use of a baby seat or recliner, as the baby is stimulated by the ac-
tion of sitting in an upright position at a stage when he is still physically immature. The baby can only lie passively in a baby seat, which does not matter for a short period, but is harmful to physical development in the long term.
This objection does not apply so much to the use of a recliner, but there are other objections; when the baby discovers that he can bounce the recliner with one leg, he often finds it difficult to stop, even when he gets tired of the mechanical movement.
When the baby starts to reach out for things and becomes more active in its motor development, it is time for a playpen. Quite apart from the fact that this provides a safe place for the child to learn to sit and stand, it is often a favourite place for being quiet and for playing undisturbed. A cloth cover, like a curtain, along three sides of the playpen will increase the sense of security, and is not to be confused with cot bumpers, which are not recommended as they pose a suffocation risk for the young child. For motor development, it is important that the floor of the playpen is sturdy and not too smooth (for example, a cloth folded double), so that the child can roll over and can put pressure on it.
Walkers and baby bouncers
We emphatically advise against the use of walkers and baby bouncers. These are ‘aids’ which speed up the child’s motor development in an unnatural way. Children certainly like to use these things — especially if they can move around in them quickly — and want to use them more and more. However, it is much better for a child to learn to stand and walk at his own pace. In this sense, walkers and baby bouncers do not help healthy development in any way, and are actually more of a deterrent to healthy development.
Prams and baby carriers (slings)
The pram can be a safe and sheltered place in which the baby can sleep outside during the first few months. For walking, a baby carrier is often a better alternative because it means
that the baby moves in time with the pace at which the adult is walking, and is not shaken about so much as in a pram, as it goes up and down the pavement. The child is carried in a natural position in a baby carrier (sling), (see the illustration on p. 106).
However, at this point a warning should be given. It has been shown that babies can become too hot and stuffy, particularly if carried under a coat. Unfortunately, there are even a few cases, which resulted in a baby’s death. We recommend that you keep a careful eye on a baby in a baby carrier, and if possible carry it on top of a coat rather than underneath, with, if necessary, a woollen cloth around the baby.
The disadvantage of a baby carrier in which the baby is in a vertical position is that the baby did not take up this position itself. In this sense, the baby carrier is not for babies until they reach the age of nine months. A sling is preferable, as the whole back and head are supported, although it might be tiring for the mother to carry.
When a baby has reached the age for a pram, the best model is one in which the baby faces the parent. In this way, the baby constantly has the comforting face of its father or mother in front of it, and can find out from that face what is happening in the big wide world. A traditional pram has the advantage that the child lies flat, as at this age the baby’s head is still relatively heavy and the neck cannot keep the head in a stable position. We recommend a buggy only from the age when the child is able to sit unassisted.

The Baby Clinic
When a mother is expecting a child, this is the beginning of an exciting period; a time of ‘expectation,’ followed by the birth and the baby’s first year. It is a special event every time, but particularly with a first child. Parenthood is `born’ along with the child, bringing all sorts of new tasks and experiences with it.
Baby clinics are located at health centres in virtually every town, and have the important task of monitoring the children and helping parents to look after their young children. In addition to ordinary baby clinics, there are also some clinics based on the approach used in anthroposophical medicine. In general, these are linked to anthroposophical medical practices.
All the work of these clinics is concerned with providing preventative care for children from birth to the age of four or five years. In general, this means providing help and support for parents to promote their child’s health.
The doctor and nursing staff at the clinic devote their attention to the physical and psychological development of your child. They ask questions and examine the child to check for certain disorders: for example, growth or psychomotor disorders; disorders or malfunctions of the cardiovascular system, lungs, kidneys and reproductive organs; ear, nose and throat disorders-, disorders of the abdomen, arms and legs; disorders of the teeth, and visual and hearing disorders.
At anthroposophical baby clinics, the constitutional characteristics of the child are also examined, and the personal characteristics and features, which might indicate a particular approach for medical and/or educational measures, are considered. After all, no child develops in accordance with the statistical norm. It is only by examining the individual developmental opportunities and problems of a child that it is possible to give appropriate advice. This is not so much a matter of preventing disorders, but of helping to ensure that the various developmental stages of the child follow each other in an appropriate way.
In addition, the baby clinic is an important place for parents to ask questions, as advice is offered on different subjects, including feeding and growth, upbringing and looking after the baby, physical and psychological development and the issue of inoculations.

The advice on children from birth to one year which you will find in this book is in line with the care provided by anthroposophical baby clinics, and may differ from the advice given by ordinary clinics, and is related to the views held by the doctor and nursing staff regarding the developing child. In Chapter 2 of this book you will find the viewpoints which form the background for the practical advice. This may be helpful when you want to make your own decision in a particular situation. However, this book serves to supplement rather than replace the supervision of the baby clinic. Whichever clinic you choose, it is important that you discuss any concerns you have, and express what you want, at the clinic.
We hope that the various subjects discussed will encourage a conscious approach to parenting and be helpful with regard to understanding, and living with, a developing child.

Pregnancy
Dufing pregnancy, the mother-tobe is in a very special condition, both physically and psychologically. There are all sorts of indications of a reduction in her level of consciousness, which may be manifested by drowsiness, diminished powers of concentration, dizziness, light-headedness and a floating sensation. At a physical level, there is a loss of muscular strength and a loss of tension in all the involuntary muscles. For example, the intestines work less effectively, which can result in constipation. There may also be changes in the action of the kidneys, blood pressure and pulse.
In a way, this whole condition resembles sleep. You could say that a pregnant woman floats between a waking and sleeping state and feels dreamier than she did before. Nevertheless, many women feel very well and active at the same time.
Pregnancy can be divided into three terms, each of roughly three months’ duration.
In the first three months, the woman’s organism has to be ‘transformed’ into a pregnant condition, or, as described above, the organism has to achieve a state between waking and sleeping. The fact that this is an intensive change is clear from the fact that the first three months of pregnancy are usually accompanied by nausea, vomiting and tiredness. It is during these months that the egg is fertilized, becomes embedded in the womb and the foetus starts to develop. It is a relatively vulnerable period of pregnancy in which miscarriages are fairly common (10%). See p.102 folic acid.
The second three-month term is usually the easiest. The pregnant woman becomes used to her condition, can do all sorts of things and does not experience much physical discomfort from the foetus. The foetus has become ‘firmly established,’ as is shown by the small number of problems during this period.
During the third stage, the physical manifestation of the child becomes increasingly clear, with a large stomach being the first sign of this. The discomfort which a pregnant woman experiences when bending down, urinating, feeling full after a meal, being unable to move, run, laugh and sit, reveals that the child has a clear physical presence. The foetus now becomes more vulnerable again. There may be bleeding or even a premature birth. At the end of this period, birth is often experienced as a real release.
When the woman has given birth, all the symptoms of the condition between waking and sleeping gradually disappear again. Only if she breastfeeds will this process be slightly postponed.
An overview of pregnancy reveals that the pregnant woman achieves a condition where she ‘makes way’ for the child to come; in which the child establishes a place on the way to birth. In a way, the expectant mother becomes less ‘earthly,’ while the child becomes increasingly ‘earthbound.’ From this perspective it is, therefore, not surprising that expectant mothers experience moments of contact with their unborn child. After all, both are in an ‘interim state;’ a state between the earthly world and the world that the child is coming from.
If we try to approach the woman’s pregnancy in this manner — taking the idea of ‘making way’ seriously — it is clearly understandable that during pregnancy a woman often finds it difficult to tolerate direct
confrontation with the world around her, and even tries to avoid it altogether. ‘Listening’ to her inner self is the best guideline.
It obviously goes without saying that alcohol and smoking should be avoided because they are known to affect the development and growth of the unborn child, and medicines should only be taken after consultation with the doctor. In addition, a natural, healthy and varied diet is clearly important for both mother and child.
To prepare for breastfeeding, it is a good idea to apply Weleda iris jelly to the nipples every day to prevent the skin cracking during breastfeeding. Stretch marks are largely dependant on genetic factors. However, it makes sense to keep the skin, particularly around the stomach and thighs, supple during pregnancy, by rubbing the skin twice daily with Weleda arnica massage oil. If there is a sensitivity to arnica, it is possible to use Weleda calendula massage oil.
The birth
Experiencing the birth of a child is one of the most intimate experiences in life. Feelings of astonishment, joy, anxiety, fear and fulfilment are experienced to extremes during the birth. Obviously these are most intense for the woman who is having the baby, but the family members and obstetric staff attending her fully share in the intensity of feeling.

It starts with the excitement and anticipation of what will happen when the waters break or the first contractions start. Getting everything ready, the support and help of the midwife during contractions, the constant question of how far the process has advanced — these are all part of the active and busy atmosphere of birth. However, sometimes there are also moments of near serenity and tranquillity; an atmosphere of relaxation, trust and complete surrender to what is to come.
The birth takes place in these recurrent and alternating periods of intense activity and intense tranquillity. Everyone attending the birth finds that a unique atmosphere develops as a result of these alternate emotions, which can go on for many hours. It is an incomparable atmosphere, evoking feelings of deep wonder and awe.
The focal point of everything that is going on is the mother-to-be. She is in touch with the deepest natural forces in her body, and is in danger of being overwhelmed by these natural forces, with an intensity which rarely occurs in life. She may also feel that she does not have the strength to give birth on her own, and may be very grateful to accept the instructions of the obstetric staff, so that the sense of impotence can make way for a sense of trust in the successful end of the birth.
When the cervix is fully dilated, the moment arrives when she can
THE BIRTH    15
use all her strength to help the child to be born by pushing it out. Just before this moment, it is quite common for the woman’s consciousness to be almost overwhelmed, and then return quite vivdly with the first push. This stage of pushing the baby out is extremely hard work, even though sometimes it only requires one big contraction.
From the moment that the baby’s head emerges, the atmosphere changes immediately. All attention is focused on the delivery of the rest of the baby, who eventually experiences light, air and gravity for the first time, is placed on its mother’s stomach and swaddled in warm nappies (diapers). If not giving birth at home, you should check with your midwife or consultant to see if it is possible to have a warm cloth to swaddle the baby in. All eyes are on the baby; the noises, movements, eyes and hair. Everyone feels an urge to touch the baby and stroke it.
Then the obstetrician focuses on the last part of the delivery: cutting the umbilical cord and delivering the placenta.
The whole birth is only really complete when the mother has been washed and cleaned up, and is holding the pink, warm, swaddled baby in her arms, and is surrounded by everyone who was present at the birth. The whole spectrum of emotions is experienced, together with a sense of satisfaction, gratitude and respect for the forces that play a role in the birth process.

The birth described above is probably the birth every parent dreams of. And yet, no two births are the same. The life of every person starts with a unique event; the delivery. Some children have a difficult start, for example, if the birth was induced too early, the baby was born prematurely, or if the delivery involved a great deal of medical intervention. In the UK most babies are now born in hospital, but it is possible to discuss your birth plan beforehand with your midwife or consultant.
For parents, the fear about the baby’s health or being overwhelmed by a premature birth can obstruct the feelings of wonder and gratitude described above. Sometimes it may be a while before you can start to love your child in a relaxed way and feel an obvious connection with it, particularly if you feel unsure or anxious. This takes time, so you must try and take the time that is needed. If you were admitted to hospital, you can organize a sort of second birth experience, so that when the baby comes home, you can get used to each other, feel each other, and build up a new life together. Many parents have described that this helped them to recognise the healthy aspects of the child and his lust for life.
Parenthood
The birth of a child is an intense experience for the parents, particularly
the birth of their first child. In fact, it brings about many changes. Before the birth the parents had a relationship with each other, and after the birth they have suddenly become parents and formed a family. Obviously, they still have a relationship, but the partners no longer relate exclusively to each other. In particular, the mother focuses body and soul on her child. After the birth it may be a very long time, sometimes as long as a year, before she feels her old self. Consequently, owing to the new situation in which they find themselves, parents have to redefine the way in which they relate to each other.
This process is extremely demanding because the father and mother are involved with the child in very different ways during pregnancy and birth, and during the initial period after birth. The father may have a tendency to continue his old life with some modifications, while the mother has a deep sense that everything has changed. It may be a while before the partners find a new way of relating to each other on the basis of these two different worlds of experience. It is important to take time for this process and talk about it together from time to time.
What was described above applies particularly for the situation in which mother, father and child(ren) form the family. Where there is a one-parent family from birth, this process will particularly concern the mother.

After the birth, another process starts as well in that all parents discover themselves in a new way. They experience new positive feelings, although they can also have a negative character. A child brings happiness and joy, but there are also moments when irritation reaches unimagined heights.
In the whole range of emotions evoked by a child, feelings of anxiety have a special place, giving rise to questions such as: Am I doing it right’? Will anything happen to my child or me? Will everything be okay?
Every step in the child’s development is another step out into the world. From the age of three, the child even ventures beyond the horizons of the parents; he walks around the block or goes to school for the first time.
Some people are more sensitive to these anxieties than others, but since this anxiety is fruitless — and can really make life difficult for a child — something should be found to counterbalance it. Sometimes gaining an insight into the situation helps to diminish the anxiety, but often this is not enough. In order to tackle the anxiety in a structured way, it may be necessary to work on strengthening the parents’ confidence. Obviously this does not mean blind faith that ‘everything will probably be alright.’ It is not as simple as that. It means that it is possible to work on the confidence about the direction in which the
PARENTHOOD    17
child is moving, even though unexpected and undesired events may play a role. White anxiety is often ,our own problem,’ confidence can become a strength, which allows the child to flourish; having confidence in someone gives them the strength to grow.
In addition, a child often gives us a new sense of self-awareness: with his behaviour and imitations, he holds up a mirror to his parents. From the age of a few months you will see that a child assimilates the world by imitating it. The child copies everything he encounters, both internally and externally. For parents, this means that what they do and how they do things is important. Whether we do things hastily or with care, whether we do things unwillingly or with joy; all these aspects permeate the actions we perform and are unconsciously assimilated and imitated by the child. This also applies to what we say. Long before the child can understand our words, he will be aware of our intentions. Experiencing this, and occasionally having the things which we do and say, and how we do and say them, reflected by a child will lead to self-awareness, and possibly to a change in our way of being and doing things.
In positive terms, a child stimulates us to develop ourselves as well. There is also a third process. By experiencing the development of a small child and feeling co-responsible for him, it is possible to focus on your own childhood. Some things from your own childhood can lead to the feeling that ‘I want to do things for my children like that as well,’ while at other moments, you feel that ‘I want to spare my children this or that.’ Sometimes this encounter with your own past can be quite intense. It’s good to know that it is not unusual.
Just as we re-examine our own past, we also start to have a different
view of the future; in a sense looking to the future through the child. The future shines through the small child and urges us to determine the structure for that future.
Above, we have highlighted a number of the issues which will confront every parent; the redefinition of the relationship with their partner and other members of the family, a redefinition of themselves, and a new view of the past and the future.